Pastebin

New Paste Add Image

Because of the allegations going around surrounding me, I’d like to explain my unfortunate history with hinds from start to finish the best I can.

It’s extremely uncomfortable, humiliating, and the very culmination of everything I dislike about myself which even my closest friends are unaware of, but I think it’s necessary to contextualize the full story behind my involvement with hinds, and why I conducted myself the way I did.

During 2020-2022, I was not in the greatest of places mentally to put it lightly. Ignoring gender dysphoria for many years combined with family problems that will remain unspecified and losing nearly my entire irl friend circle following covid made for a disastrously lonely and volatile time for me after high school. The few that know me more personally may recall that I’ve moved states quite a lot, hence why I've slowly dissociated from nearly everyone I grew up with. This made me entirely reliant on online friends from gd who I could confide in and relate to better than the people around me, and the longer I stuck around the more my passion grew for creating, and the more people in the community mattered to me. A circle of friends who’d accept me if I were to come out one day AND that shared my interests became an escape from many of my problems, and the sole reason I’d climb my way up as far as to join GS. Little did I know I’d find myself in an insidiously toxic relationship with someone I once admired, willingly falling into a regretful cycle of self-deprecation I can barely comprehend happened. Although miserable for me to write about, bringing up my struggle with transness in this document, which under any other circumstance I wouldn’t want to be public knowledge, is largely connected to better understanding the irredeemable messages I’ve sent, thus, every part of me is on the table.

Everything started back when I first joined GS, where I got to meet and befriend a lot of cool people who otherwise have little to no direct involvement with the general community anymore, one of which was Hinds. I’d always looked forward to being able to talk to him, given he was one of my inspirations for creating in the first place, and I held him in high regard. Before joining GS, all I’d heard about him from others who knew him personally was that he’s “one of the nicest people I know”, which only made me want to meet him more.

When I did eventually talk to him, things started off strong and we quickly became close friends. We’d spent hours talking about gd stuff, music, random cool ideas, pretty much whatever, and I was thrilled to have become genuine friends with someone I looked up to. Despite our friendship only just beginning, it was evident to me that we’d only grow closer as time went on. That was of course, until he decided to unveil the horrifying truth about himself to the entirety of gs.

Until then, no one could’ve imagined that hinds was hiding something like this and I remember the heavy air of disheartenment and betrayal felt by GS following his confession. Someone I’d respected for so long, who I’d rapidly connected with and greatly enjoyed the company of was suddenly just attracted to minors? I felt horrible, like a cruel joke had been played on me. Like I stood at the edge of a cliff in turmoil. Would I jump, or would I turn my back? How could someone with such a positive light and friendly exterior have this horrid ugly truth to them? As if everything had to be some terrible mistake. But the reality was I was about to make a terrible mistake. One that’d foolishly spiral into many more to come.

His confession should’ve marked the end of my association with him, and I believe it absolutely would’ve been had Hinds been any other person. The friendship I’d just discovered, the years of longing to meet him, and mainly the way he seemed regretful about how he explained his nature made me want to hear him out. It made me believe he could change. Up until this point, I knew all too well how it feels to hide part of yourself from everyone. After all, I’d been hiding and repressing any inkling of being trans from everyone online and offline for years. The thought of everyone suddenly hating hinds because of this monumental secret he’d kept from everyone as terrible as it was reflected the deep seated fear I had in opening up myself, and how it would result in the same thing. It was horribly irrational, and he showed me we were far more incomparable than I realized, but at that moment, I just wanted to help him. I stubbornly clung onto the friend I believed I knew, becoming someone Hinds could confide in, even if that someone had to be a version of me I created for him. So I reached out in a dm to him following the confession. I’d jumped off the cliff. I remained delusionally hopeful that he couldn’t truly be what he claimed to be and that with our friendship I could change him, but I ended up horribly damaging myself trying while accepting his tendencies, stupidly defeating all meaning. This would become the single worst relation I’d have with anyone in my entire life, and the one person I’d let outweigh my own moral boundaries, which evolved into something I’d forever regret.

My initial discussion with hinds about his ‘tendencies’ which was a gesture of hope and companionship warped into me fabricating things about myself and beliefs for the sole purpose of relating to him. In my time of need I would want someone to be there for me in a similar manner, but who I was lending my kindness to and how I was doing it was horrible. I wasn’t comfortable telling him I was trans outright in the start, since I essentially hadn’t told a soul up until that point, which led me to allude to how my circumstances (which was hiding the fact I was trans from everyone) were similar to his circumstances of hiding who he was, sidestepping the truth to allow him to assume we shared these traits without him ever hearing any truth until much later. In doing this, I became a toxic safespace for him to express himself to someone that ‘understood him’ at my expense. It was the beginning of a repulsive masquerade of acceptance I adopted which trumped all moral boundaries, where I’d find it in myself to say truly awful things I will never live down in an effort to personally relate without being truly transparent. We would talk more and more, and he’d find solace in my overwhelming displays of empathy, which made me happy he could relate to me, while simultaneously painting me as equally despicable in our dms. My true goal was seeking his acceptance and growing closer to him, as I thought that if we were together he’d naturally lose that irredeemable aspect of himself. The truth was I was in denial that hinds was truly irredeemable, and a personal lack of affection in my life led to an unprecedented lack of judgement on my part that trampled my morality completely for his sake. Though most of our dms were rather positive and ‘lovey-dovey’, I’d completely cast my judgement aside for him when it came to his attractions and wrongly indulged in the subject. From acquaintances to close friends to lovers, overtime I truly believed what we had was mutual and long lasting as disturbing as that feels to me now.
 
However, this turned out not to be the case. There came a day where I mustered the courage to tell hinds that I was a woman, and that I hoped it wouldn’t change anything. I’d taken one leap, and now I’d taken another in fully exposing my true self to this person I cared so deeply for. Who I’d cast aside my clear conscience for. At first, hinds seemed to welcome the change, and I was ecstatic because it felt like the culmination of all of my time spent with him had paid off. Hinds accepted me, just as I’d marched past every red flag to accept him, and he’d move past his twisted attraction if I were to take its place. But over the course of 2 days he started to change demeanor. His enthusiasm and affection for me quickly unraveled and he evidently made that clear not long after. The idea of being a woman conflicted with the little boy he saw me as, and all of the feelings we once shared became 1 sided. I ignored what my gut told me all along: he’d never change. The anguish I felt following was unlike anything I’d felt in my life prior. For a brief time, our lives did revolve around each other, but despite being the one that held on initially, I was also the one who was let go. I was in such a broken state that I’d continued to try and hold on, I’d literally cast everything left of myself into the fire, saying that I could stay his ‘boyfriend’ instead, and other absolutely outlandish things I can’t stomach to relive but it was just over. I’d given up any ounce of self respect I had, and I just felt empty. There was a good deal of time in the aftermath where we agreed to return to being bizarre ‘friends’ of sorts, but I knew even back then I was just incredibly depressed for quite a while afterwards, and falling into my old ways just because it reminded me of how things were, as I pointlessly prolonged something that should never have been.

Eventually I was finally over things, but it left long lasting scars. After coming out to hinds, the urge in me to transition became distant overtime. Even now I’m still unsure of my feelings, which is why I never wanted it to be public despite how close I was to doing so. I’ve repressed the fact that it happened at all. I despise how little I valued myself given my continuous actions, and it's worse knowing that it was easily avoidable. It was entirely my fault that I let something so plainly toxic and demented completely warp my morality, and obliterate the faith of those who thought highly of me. Even so, expressing this out in the open feels a little freeing almost.

My egregious behaviour and involvement with hinds was spurred on by the illusion of a friendship that turned into an intimate relationship, which I hadn’t had in a long time. I believed it would change the person I didn’t want to believe hinds was, but ultimately this wasn’t the case, as hinds lost interest in me when I fully opened myself up to him and no longer suited his liking. This utterly destroyed me mentally, as I’d turned a blind eye and even helped him confide in his predatory nature, molded myself as best as I could into a person he could admire, only for him to turn away when I finally showed him my true colors and for me to fester in the ashes.

Writing this now, it's very difficult for me to grasp why I went to such lengths for hinds. I’d stooped to a low so far down in order to comfort him that I genuinely lost who I was, and condemned myself to be his safe space even after what we had fallen apart. Whether it was a crushing loneliness I couldn’t shake, or me desperately clinging to a relationship I wanted to have, my actions were disgusting and unethical regardless of intent.

I want to clarify that I accept full responsibility for my actions, and that this is by no means an attempt to excuse them. I acknowledged everything in this way mainly because I wanted to write this for my friends and people who knew me welI to better understand what I went through, and to potentially serve as a warning for anyone that may find themselves in a similar situation.
Concluding this, I plan to seek professional help regarding the problems I’ve faced in the past, as it’s something that’s weighed on my mind ever since. I wish everyone the best.

Settings

Title : [Optional]

Paste Folder : [Optional]

Syntax : [Optional]

Expiration : [Optional]

Status : [Optional]

Password : [Optional]

Description: [Optional]

Tags: [Optional]

Encrypt Paste (?)

You are currently not logged in, this means you can not edit or delete anything you paste. Sign Up or Login

Settings

Site Languages